Saturday, September 13, 2014

#20FACTSABOUTME

Tagged by Wanteng in instagram. However my caption was too long for insta, hence I'll keep the original version here. and amended shorter version there.


1. I don't feel like doing this tag in the first place because I don't want anyone to know more about me. But as a gratitude to my fren who still rmb me, I have to fulfill this.
2. I've changed alot since I came to UK. I can't bare with wet toilet anymore (msia) because toilets in UK are always dry as they dont have floor trap. I used tissue instead of water to clean my butt after poo poo for the same reason. and i cannot stand toilets without tissues provided.
3. I used to dislike bath tub because it collects dirt when it's unused. But staying in UK with only bath tub provided, I kinda enjoy having bubble bath in the tub ( it has to be a super white and clean tub), and I hope to have a nice tub in my future bathroom.
4. I like singing and I remember melody and lyrics very well. (I think)
5. I've improved my cooking skills (even cy said yummy) *proud*
6. I like dessert no matter how full I am, I can't say no to dessert.
7. I have poor time management and punctuality. That's a poor habit I have to change.
8. I anti and avoid getting close to sarcastic and double sided person.
9.  I'm a self-learner in badminton, basketball and swimming. I have become more patient and less temper in playing badminton where I enjoy the game more than the victory. I like to play with guys in badminton because they have the strength to smash, to challenge myself to be stronger.
10. I used to learn erhu and violin but I stopped halfway and regretted for it.I hope to pick them up in future as personal cultivation.
11. I personally think that I have good driving skill (lol). I prefer manual cars, large size and four-wheel drive, eg Hummer, X6, Nissan Frontier (fav) because they are tall enough to escape flooding, safer and tougher on the road.
12. I like to observe people and relate stuffs (trying to be Sherlock homes detective minded).I love seeing how people running business and serve people (for eg: in the restaurant).
13. Architecture gives me new perception and knowledge to see things around the world, but I think I am more to a literature person especially in chinese writing. So I guess I choose the wrong course to be future career.
14. Throughout the years, I'm getting more introvert, low self-esteem and less talkative. I felt detached easily in big group conversation. I am more to a listener and fed up talking when I see people don't actually interested to listen.
15. I am having friendship crisis and made me felt that friendship is the last thing I can't live without.
16. I like meeting new people with new stories coming in and stay close for a little while, but not all the while because at the moment I felt friendship hard to stay fresh all the time and faded easily. also,  I blends well in boy gang rather than girl gang.
17. I salute to my grandma, my mom and my sister (basically women in my house) as they are so strong to hold the family in piece, hardworking, never complain, kind-hearted. (super role-models)
18. I will have a mind-fighting when I'm in a situation where I should help or not (something like pick up bottle, help elderly on the street). I hate myself when I'm doing nothing to it.
19. I'm trying to be a good person. A person who can contribute, helpful, thoughtful, grateful, not calculative, not selfish, not bullshit. Someone with wisdom and respectful. I think I will be something in the future.
20. my current boyfriend is the one who knows everything on me better than anyone. I think I found the one. We had the worst fight, we had the best companion. Hopefully we can make it to the end.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

停不下來的想要瘋寫

最近。
是這幾個月,自我埋頭開戰的三個月開始。
我陷入鬱悶當中。

很鬱鬱寡歡。
很想寫作。
容我狂寫發洩内心的悶氣。

結束了課業。就開始煩惱住所。
最近忙著整理屋子。
翻出了那片影碟。
三年前朋友們交給我的影碟。

我一直都放在身邊。即使回國也沒打算帶回去擱著。
就只想帶在身邊,提醒自己那時候的感動。
播放著影碟,釋然的笑了出來。
還真的很感激當時她們給我的心思,製作這個短片的時間,給我美好的回憶。

剛剛整理翻看回臉書的照片,看到那時候大夥們在家視訊的照片,那時候大家都還有一份感情。一份友誼。即便都在馬來西亞相距不遠的家裏也有閑情逸志見見彼此。

那天湊巧看到朋友po了一張和朋友們的視訊照片,她對照片裏的人笑得很開心很珍惜
忽然讓我想起了這些照片。因爲我不會擁有這些笑容。朋友們互相之間的笑。
那種往事不再的感受,真的不想多說。

真的必須承認自己已經離他們越來越遠。已經不相干了。

越寫越煩

難道我就不能到一処沒有人認識我的地方
重新開始
重新認識
認識一些有興趣了解我的人嗎

真的很厭煩自己不斷埋首回顧過去那麽的不會前進那麽的不知所謂
到底在惋惜什麽呢
不做出什麽又爲何要嘆息那麽多呢
白痴






underestimate

I think I‘ve underestimated the difficulty to actually survive in foreign countries. A country where you don't belong to in the first place. When you are planning to move to a new place, it's never a "place" or a "space", its the "country" thing that we are talking about.

No doubt, I enjoyed the student's life in UK very much, it's really really safe - less murders (although there are stabbing/murdering cases), no pick-pocketing (maybe im lucky), no house breaking in (I'm lucky to live in well-controlled areas, in fact my neighbours are kind enough to put the key back into my mailbox when he/she saw the key is hanging  outside of my door, lucky no one sneak into our flat when the door was unlocked, open wide to welcome anybody, and most importantly, the whole building was only secured with a glass door, not steel grilled or gated, imagined this things happened in malaysia..), i have not experience robbing/snatching yet (touchwood), and I'm pleased and enjoyed to walk on the road, on the street, by the road side. I was able to enjoy the cityscape while I was walking, and was not have to keep high attention, suspecting anyone around me all the time. Its so frustrating that human beings are hurting each other, accusing, embarrassing people for what sake.

It's freedom here. I found it here to live like a normal citizen who will enjoy their own city. I wanted to do that in Malaysia, but all I will was complained and complaining. It's time for us to improve ourselves, shan't we?  Sometimes when I walked pass the UK polices and don't get inspected, I felt pity for the foreigner workers back in Malaysia. They are there to seek for a living, they are contributing at least but our dear matas are aiming them for extra incomes for coffee. Why don't you get your extra income by diminishing more crime defenders? Why again, human hurting human.

I thought it's really fascinating to have the chance to work here, live here, settle here. and POUNDS.

I think I've overrated and glorify the oversea's lifestyle.
It's never easy.

We've spent money to study here, contributing to part of UK's economy. They branded themselves as high education cities with lots of lots of distinctive universities that attracts students around the world, including Glasgow city. There are 4 universities/colleges packed in the city center itself. This could really bring in large amount of students every year to flux into the city center and we contributed economically okay. We do have student benefits such as council tax and water fees exempted, got free medical services.

If you stayed here for more than a year, you will started to notice how hectic it is to just "settle" down.
The very first year in Glasgow, I stayed in the university's hostel. Easy and cheesy. Everything gaodim. But since the second year, I don't get to extend my stay in campus any more thus I have to find private rented accommodation. After 3 months of calls and non-replied emails, finally we got a flat through our friend Jamie. It's 575 pounds for a 2 bedroom flat. We thought it was quite expensive (asian ma) to be shared by two person, fortunately we have a flatmate. So it was cheaper than staying in uni hostel.

Having to deal with the letting agent for the house repair and maintenance, that's another thing we, as students shall learn. It takes time and plenty explanations. No matter what, you will be blamed first before anything. Boiler spoilt, our problem. The light fuse broken (before it burned several of our light bulbs) was our problem also. We spent money on the bulbs okay! Ceiling of neighbour below leaking, granted  its our problem too because we wet the floor, and ITS NOT BECAUSE THE FLOOR WAS BROKEN OR THE CEILING WAS DAMAGED . It took us a few emails to explain and urge to get things sorted out. Even after complaints, things won't just settled on the right place. The washing machine did not dry the clothes and leave our clothes an awful smell, it took ages for the agent to notify the landlord to change it for us. We fed up and wait it until the very last minute when we have to move out. In the end it forced us to tell the agent that we will not allow any flat viewing until that is settle. chehwa. WHY PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE TO BULLY PEOPLE.
So kind reminder, remember to check the conditions of every single furnitures on the inventory list, if it's damaged on the first place, notify the agent/landlord. Otherwise, it's your fault.

Moving into another year (my third year) and third house, another hassle and hectic process. Since we went back malaysia during summer, our house hunting can only be done through emails, and wow! this is super inefficient i tell ya. NEVER EVER TRY TO FIND A FLAT IN GLASGOW WHEN YOU ARE OVERSEA. We've doubled confirmed it already. The agents will never reply your emails (even I sent it in Glasgow as well), calling is the most directive way to know whether the flat is taken, whether the flat is not available for student or blabla bull shit.
We have been hunting for 3 months with non-stop emails and do you know what we ended up with?

We ended up staying in hotel for the first 3 nights because we couldn't find our flat yet when we reached Glasgow by that time. Hello! I paid tuition fees and visa fees okay! Do you know how much already spent to get to GLASGOW. Why in the end Glasgow housing stocks is not sufficient for students and the private renting fees are way too expensive for students. This is just not right. In the end we found one which was very the over our budget, but we have no choice. We have to tell the landlord of our poor and pity condition to pursue him to rent to us. It is dammmmmm worrying when you are unsure where you gonna stay on the next day, and POUNDS is burning every night in the hotel.

It is a very nice flat. The house condition is good, toilet especially. Hassle-free so far until lately. The landlord inspected our house because he wants to make sure our flat is presentable when people coming to view the flat. But the problem is, our year five stuffs are moved back from university, and boxes piling up cos the storage here are actually limited and we are packing to move. He sent an email telling us that he is unhappy with the flat la, we r treating it like a warehouse la, wana deduct this deduct that la. EVERYTHING ABOUT MONEY. just wanted to deduct money. He even brought up the issue of our bed frame. We reflected the problem to him since January, and he had inspected by himself, but still he wanted to blame that WE BROKE THE BED FRAME (TWO LITTLE SKINNY SUPPORTS BELOW THE BED) BECAUSE WE PLACED OUR LUGGAGE UNDERNEATH THE BED, AND THE LUGGAGE BROKE IT. I have to say, that luggage was not moving constantly, it stayed there as it is most of the time.
WHY.

During my stay for this year, we received lots of letters from city council to "remind" us to pay council tax. Some even forgot we are students and required us to pay half year council tax 1k+ pounds leh. That's really pissed us off like someone keep urging us to return money when we owe one nothing! I have to bring that letter to my uni and ask why even I applied exempted there's letter sent to me, and they even curious why city council want to chase after students for 3 days council tax. It's because the university recorded my official course start date is 3 days after my tenancy start date. WALAOEH WHY city council wants to collect our money even if its just 3 days?   Is that made me not a student when I came back Glasgow earlier to settle my accommodation before the course started? or I should actually skip classes to find flat???!!!

I really dislike it. We have to care for the house, care for the landlord, care for our homework, still need to care for the council tax letter??!! like we would owed someone money at anytime or get sued/penalty?  This gave me a perception that the government is needing money till they can't afford to lose a single penny. Sigh. It's TIRING.

Up to date, I'm still looking for my next flat. It's already been a month, and we are still struggling. Prices hiking like nobody business-- fuck the students la, they are the biggest turtles who willing to pay for rising tuition fees, rising currency rates, might as well the rising housing rent. Why not earn as much as possible.
I seriously don't understand why we want to waste our parents' money to support other countries?

My budget limit for a 2 bedroom flat raised from 750-950 now, it's too competitive to get a flat, some don't take student, some don't do half year lease, many are taken, mostly expensive, by no choice many others are too far. We already start looking for the flats that are out of walking distance still we got nothing. WHY FINDING FLATS IN GLASGOW CAN BE SO HARD. It's always a hectic process.  ALWAYS.

I remembered the average 2 bedrooms flat renting for 2 years ago was 600-700, and I remembered myself saying that to seniors wow! its so damn expensive de neh. And within 2 years, my 1 bedroom flat was already 750. (wow) now a 2 bedroom flat in city center hiked to 800-1200. Ironically, the universities are scattered in city center! How students can afford a flat in city center?  Are we supposed to take train everyday to get to uni?
I just don't understand since when the student's benefits are being exploited, how Glasgow is going to accommodate more n more students in the future?

I thought staying in UK earning pounds is ideal for my future living. But how am I going to save an amount if I have to spend a larger amount just to get settled here? the council tax, the working visa, the rent, the taxes... etc. It doesn't seems easy any more if my biggest intention is merely to earn GBP and convert into RM. It will takes more money before I can earn or save. In additional, according to my verbal survey, the minimum wages for fresh grad is 1.5k, but average wages is 1.6k-1.8k. If you were to work here, it's for experience, not the money.

Nah, I want money at this stage.

I was once confident and believed that I can earn more here. I always wanted to stay here, for the safe environment and for the job opportunity. As years gone by, especially this year, lately my faith defeated by the challenges and faded. We are always on our own here, in the land not for us. We always have to pay more to be here. Am I being too naive without really understand the real situation? Or I'm still having misunderstanding on sth?

Why I started to believe that going back Malaysia to find a job give me stable income?
At the least I can contribute some for my family.

I'm too eager, desperate for money, because of the self-esteem as eldest sister, I've wasted too many years and too many of my mom's hard-earned money. I think I need to start contributing.

It's all about money.
Where is my life ambition?
Do I have any.





Monday, September 1, 2014

麽喇喲

金架麽喇喲。

ok. what should i write? well, i've no idea.
But i feel like writing something to express my happiness, emptiness and whatsoever after my final on 26th August. ok, again, its weird that i wrote this post in English. U know what, I started off with chinese till half way, i keep feeling that im constructing my sentence in English in my mind, and im translating them into chinese and typed it out. Then, why not write it out in English? i should practice my english writing more often kan.

Back to the topic, You have no idea what we went through for the past three months.
Since the beginning i started off this course-ARCHITECTURE. I've been through alot of hard times and denial, which lower my self-confidence. I have no idea what I'm studying, what am i doing in Taylors for that 3 years. Gained nothing, but tons and tons of negation till I'm so lost and fed up with the course.

I have no choice (well, I do have a choice to give up after 3 years) buthen that doesnt make sense when my parents spent so much on me already. I came to UK (find the cheapest way as I could-apply scholarships, cheapest air tickets, compare UK and AUS blabla). Do saved up a little bit cos I got the scholarship(proud). Buthen since the second and third year, no more scholarship for international students, for architecture students (so sucks).

Study in the UK is awesome, despite the chances to travel, the education system is more more more experienced and realistic than in Taylors. People dont simply do fancy design anymore, people dont judged the grading based on wow designs, tutors looked for convincing statement to justify our own projects, reasons, how do we get up to this stage and showed interest to listen to our learning outcomes. Moreover, some of the tutors are patient with our broken english.

Nonetheless, I have become more independent and self-controlled when I'm living alone on oversea. We have to manage daily expenses, finding cheapest house, compare here n there, compare groceries, walk around the taxi, try to avoid spending money on transport, take care of yrself, take care of your home where u will clean yr house automatically, control yrself from overspending, over fun, over budget...anything that is over.

Unavoidably, I have hard times in UK too, since the first year. Language as main problem, I cant speak fluent english made me afraid to approach angmo or express my thoughts, even normal chitchat will scare the shit out of me. I was sooooo eager to find some angmo friends but in the end I was soo hesitated and made none. Epic fail. My design approach is weak as usual. There's ideas but could not developed further as usual. lack of justification as usual. lack of creativity as usual. Everything just kena banned. I went tutorials turned out project get lower mark than what I expected. Im really fed up that time and lagi lost in the second semester. I skipped all tutorials and just turned up for final to present. Bang! Ironically, I got higher marks than the first project. It's so fking annoying and what you see here ya?!

Buthen the buthen! thanks god for blessing me through these yearssss. seriously!
HOW I was able to make it here??!! still continuing the course after so many criticism and low pass.
It's a miracle seriously.

Noticed my own weakness in radical, building or anything related to creativity design, I choosed urban design as my studio unit for my last year. BINGO. good choice. I've learnt alot in the course, its never boring, never abstract, no conceptual overstate ideas. Everything started off from the ground, understand the problem and propose solutions. bring it forward from a macro scale to micro level, such as a building, a public space, a furniture designed in a space. You'll see gradual scaling and transformation which made me adapted to the design process very well I would say. I get to understand the whole process from problem research, identification, statement, initial concept, proposals, solutions, designs. Design should came in these ways in order. It's quite late for me to finally understand this process.

Then, I undergone less struggle this year as I know what I want to do for my pg dip project as just go for it with full force power. iek iek. and surprisingly, I got the best results out of so many yearsss god. Proudly announced that I got 75 and 76 for both my studios subject. It's another miracle for meeee ya know! miracle that never happened in my life before. STUDIO leh!

I got the average 69 btw (over 5 subjects) sadly the professional studies dragged my score down =(
why andrew so stingy!!! I tot i could achieve higher marks as I prepared the submission quite early and everything went well in tutorials. Nvr thought that would be my lowest mark, 58 i think. U see, 58 lowest mark chehwa. DO you know, 55 to 65 was my normal range of studio's grade. so embarrassing wey!

Another miracle is I was very close toooo "DISTINCTION" if my average passed 70. and this need to be the average of my year 5 pg dip and master. which means I need to get 72 and above for my master to get that distinction. walao eh. 72 eh . itssssssss sibeh difficult I swear.
For this reason, I stressed for whole summer. Ofcourse I've got my back, ChunYee was assisted me with whole hearted,treated it like his own project. thanks my babygia. But after the first two tutorials, I'm pretty sure that my distinction gone d. We struggled and confused on what we could achieved from my project, whats the big idea of doing my project and strengthen it with statement. U know, statement is very important. WHY statement is important wo!

My supervisor is quite worried with my progression as Im quite behind. I have no choice but to pushhhh wateva I can and do it the best. And luckily we are able to produce the whole board with the needed information. And I supposed, we have no regret ya chunyee?? hehe

The feedbacks turned out half half 50-50. I dont have any clue on the result yet based on their critics and compliments hahah.
So the result will thereby confirm by tmr after the external examination. GOD bless me!
namo amitabha

Pls miracle please happen to me again.







Saturday, August 9, 2014

低處未算低

衰事累累,頻頻。我的眉頭緊皺了幾個禮拜才可以緩緩送了一點下來。結果,見完老師后皺得更緊了。

撇掉不說我帶塞的克高技品的命運讓我買什麽手機電腦相機都像在燒錢般的,只有永無止境的把錢倒入大海而大海不曾回贈我半顆海鮮。果然,我的塞運還沒走開。電話,的電池跟我請求它要退休啦,我不肯,它就時不時給我罷工,在這個他媽的世道還敢敢給我撒野。我決定粗生粗養,不換啦,不修啦。能用既用,不用也罷,回歸大自然的環保概念。(LOL,什麽概念啊?)

好,退一步了是吧?塞運該走了吧。
NEI!
想得美阿你。

所以在我趕final的時候,是master的final耶,我的hard disk也來增興以下。新鮮吧。它是頭一個跟我作對的。也是我目前最重要也是最新的hard disk,才一年就不安于室,可惡。
結果百忙之中又要我撥冗處理這件事兒。上網找data recovery software啦,試了一個,可是單單discover我的files就用了足足兩天,然後要list出recoverable的文件要423++小時,媽呀,我不睡,我電腦都要睡啦。

最終忍痛按停了。
就開始上網找data recovery service center. 網上的資訊五花八門,又要看可不可靠,又要看貴不貴,又要看是不是騙人的,又要看地點。哎喲我的眉頭啊。
上網問了很多quotation,最後想下想下還是決定拿去glasgow很靠近我傢的那閒弄,口碑不錯,而且我能夠親自拿上門看看環境。可是又奈何他的價錢介於250磅至450磅。還寫明,data recovery本來就是一種比較貴的服務。 別無辦法之下,我硬著頭皮寫封信給他跟他說我是個學生,這個價錢貴,負擔不起,可不可以便宜給我。哈哈。
今天,就拿了給他看看。再看看他怎麽說。

說完兩個煩惱,還有兩個大事!統統一湧而來。我還健在這裡打字,我覺得我還行耶。

好,回來再説。
未完待續。
——————————————————————

好,我回來了。
不過回來以後並未收拾好自己的心情,一陣陣失落感還是不斷侵蝕我這顆不強大的心。很失敗。。。。

比比說,我寫blog不是在審視自己的價值,而是不斷在無病呻吟,悲情自己。自我憐憫,把自己搞得超沒自信。its just a fucking waste of time.

well well well..............................

讀了這科那麽多年,只是一昧的被再三否定。然後又只能自己去摸索,去找真理,自信心怎麽可能會上升。我不能說我做出了百分之一百的努力去提升自己,所以我不能投訴什麽。可是要在這個博大精深的題材裏找到可以跟它聯係的click真不是一件容易的事。

天生沒這個本事,還真是沒這個本事。比比說,我這句話,是牛糞。

原以爲我真的找到一點click了。可是這短短的三個月,和我要做的題目!怎麽可能我這顆腦袋辦得到呢?如果我可以,早就儅了top student 啦。還在這裡干嘛呢?畫圖去了拉。

比比又說,你不要每次遇到小小挫折就在那邊悲天憐憫,垂頭喪氣啦。看到你還真的不耐煩。

我轉身偷偷流下了一顆小淚珠,也默默地拭去那顆小淚珠,可任憑我如何擦,也擦不走那顆在心底深處淌下的小小淚珠兒。。。。。。。。。

就這樣,我帶著我淚珠兒在周公所裏展開自己的冒險路程。

淚珠兒,你要乖啊,以後只剩咱倆相依爲命啦。
你爹不要我們啦。
你要爭氣啊~







Sunday, July 27, 2014

晴天霹靂

爲什麽?
ottokae?!!!!
不明白。
接受不到!!!!!


剛剛吃晚餐的時候,也沒吃什麽硬質的食物,可是突然感覺到好像有骨頭卡在門牙縫的位置。怎麽用指甲摳也弄不走。於是我叫寶貝給我看看,初初還看不出是什麽咚咚。所以他拿了針來幫我挑。怎知,我竟然從他的眼鏡反射下看到自己的門牙角落崩了一小塊!!!

怎麽搞嗒!! 怎麽可能!
是很小一塊,不認真看還真看不出。可是!認真看之下!我就會不斷看到那個缺陷。越來越被放大的缺陷!而且是無可挽回的缺陷!

爲什麽我那麽的激動?
因爲從小到大我最引以爲傲的部分就是我的牙齒。純天然無添加。我很慶幸牙齒可以生得那麽整齊,而且從小就被稱讚牙齒漂亮,笑容甜美。是我的標誌了你知道嗎。

可是,近幾年我漸漸發現我的下排牙齒越來越擁擠不整齊,不知道是不是智慧牙的緣故。我經已沮喪不已。
我最討厭的噩夢便是夢見自己的牙齒崩了。
如今,叫我如何接受現在它們不美了呢?

最令我擔心的是,燈照之下發現我那個崩了一角的牙齒竟然有裂紋。OMG!
來吧,大雨灑在我頭上吧!
真的不知道,它會不會有一天突然之間直接崩掉一半。
這個不知道幾時爆炸的炸彈我該怎樣拆除呢?

我滿腦子都在想好不好現在就去看個牙醫,能修就修,不能修好不好弄個假牙或植牙呢?
真的很不想突然上班上到一半牙齒崩掉了,笑又不是,開口也不是,請假又不是,躲在家又不是。

真的接收不到。
我真的接受不到這個打擊。






Saturday, July 19, 2014

拮据

如何能夠讓自己有本事的自己賺錢呢?